I originally wrote this on December 16, 2023. I now have pruney fingers. But let’s not quibble about this shrivel skin issue. I like water. I’m a flinker - whoa - don’t tip your drink there little fishy.

It’s raining out. I love days like this even though they often feel so gloomy. For me, they represent a potential pajama day and a time of soothing hibernation. All the day requires is a cup of warm tea, some dark chocolate, my pooch, big fluffy blankets, and quiet to contemplate my navel - or your navel. Creepy, no? I assure you, it’s really a cosmic belly button under scrutiny, not your actual belly button, nor necessarily my actual belly button. Relax. Sip your tea.

I decided today, after too much time on Youtube, that I needed some renewal. I’ve always known it, but I’ve kind of gone along with that notion kicking and screaming. Today, I thought it might be best to start practicing some acceptance. I spend far too much time in overwhelm and distraction. In a quiet early morning moment, I decided to take a renewal. What exactly does that mean? Well, the world is such a big place. It’s over connected, always on if not here then over there. It’s loud - so very loud, and apparently hyper focused on all that is bad in the world. There is plenty to find of course and it all sells wildly. The whole world never shuts up completely because someone somewhere is awake and probably talking. Sometimes, it’s actually me yammering.

As I thought of my renewal intentions today I had two “hmmmms” occur. Look, two is pretty good since I’m recovering from hair loss at the moment. I’m proud of my two “hmmmms.” Before I get there though there was a realization. I had a realization I needed to shrink the world for a bit from the insanity of chaos it seems to find a lot of life and “fun” wallowing in - like mud. In this way, I would device disconnect, albeit, in specific ways. I gotta clear out the nostrils, ears, and the eyes without burying my head in the sand. Of course when the world is metaphorically turned off when the devices go off, to some extent the trembling unease to near hysteria is still vibrating in my near and dear. Hell, it’s vibrating in me. Which means there is a detox coming in my renewal. Barf bag? Check.

Really, detox is just a trendy way to say letting go and refocusing which means there are gyrations of thought, stimulation, and activity that naturally need to find an end. Some people call this “deconstruction.” [Me turning around looking puzzled]. Did you hear something? I swear I just heard someone pass out. I’m pretty sure there was a thud [Shrug]. Deconstruction is also a trendy word for renewal only it has far more stigma associated with it since it tends to reference Christians leaving religion. Well, at least that is where I hear about it all the time. Traditions are often like those sticky glue traps reserved for cruel deaths of insects and mice. While certainly there are things from the past worthwhile, there are plenty of traditions that need to be consigned to the ash bin of history to never be repeated. That part is renewal and it’s a good thing - unless you’re a status quo addict who can’t buy different color underwear because blue is for boys and pink is for girls. That, by the way, was invented in the 19th Century over another sort of boys/girls panic.

So, I’ve decided, after a lot of years, to take a renewal. My butt is a little bigger and I could use new underwear anyway. I don’t know what this renewal thing means yet, but it’s a journey away from point A - with all its crazy crazy and noise - to some other point with no label or end game where there is more calm and peace within the noise and crazy crazy. Yes, within the noise because I know there is no way in hell all of you are going to shut up long enough to allow me to think in external quiet if I’m incessantly plugged in to the mother ship. I’m leaving the noise of the mother ship while simultaneously realizing all I’m really shutting off is that noise inside myself. Weird. The perk is I can quiet some things by turning off devices and focusing on the rain outside, and the barking dogs down some random, but distant street.

It’s starting to get dark as o-dark hour sets in for today. Rapidly approaching the Winter Solstice means the days are increasingly ever so short and I feel like I should be eating dinner at 4:30 pm so I should babble on about my two “hmmmms” before I”m fully eclipsed by the evening. I know as I walk into this renewal detox state, particularly from previous experience of at least disengaging device wise, there are going to be some challenges with my own emotions, boredom, lack of creativity, and exhaustion. It’s like a soul migraine in my body and mind where I just need a quiet, darkened room where I can let my muscles relax, and hopefully, let rest soothe physical symptoms of pain and sickness into a slow dissipation. Or maybe just puke. I wondered as I made this decision what I would end up dwelling on - where is my mind going to take me? And how am I going to type about it with this furry poof on my lap?

It just didn’t take long trying to riffle through all the internal chatter for an image to move across my mindscape - a familiar image actually. The arting isn’t finished and it’s nameless although its had a couple of names that I’ve contemplated and then sidelined. But it’s a picture framed in darkness as part of a series of mask-wearing figures wrapped in linen cloth that for whatever reason, ends up looking a little like some armor.

Titled: *Arting Reflection* © 2025 a_joy

The image is female and there are parts of the picture here undisclosed - like a hand holding a mask on the left. Right now I’m more fascinated with the image. Her hair will be various flowers - most of which you’ll find at a funeral. I like it so far. To me, it’s beautiful and fits the concept of beauty I understand as being quite entrenched in not only darkness [the actual background], but also in death of realness and authenticity. Isn’t fake beauty - well - lovely? I think so. It fascinates me how alluring it is, even mesmerizing. Magic paint is powerful stuff. I feel like a magpie flitting around excited over a bit of sparkly. But the mesmerizing glitter is really just that - glitter stuck on some fake mask of expectations. Under that mask is wrappings and under the wrappings a botched embalming. That’s what I’m thinking about in the “quiet.” That’s my first “hmmmmm” of renewal. Pretty sick, right?

A little dark, true. Quite negative, totally - but in a beautiful, mesmerizing dead sort of way. {sigh] Maybe it’s because I’ve felt dead inside so long - numb, tomb-like except there is all this chain rattling going on and I can’t get any decent rest or enough dark chocolate. It’s probably why I distract myself with more dark everywhere else [e.g. culture war hysteria, Christianity’s meltdown, abortion rights, twitter tweets, etc.] - which is quite weird as a coping mechanism. It’s probably why my butt is bigger and I”m feeling more cheeky than ever.

I don’t really know where this picture is going or even really what it means other than what I’ve explained above. Yeah, it’s a bit dark but there is really nothing wrong with that when one is examining what is dark. As I begin my renewal, there is a reason this is here, unfinished. It’s a fractal of life. What shall I find as this piece unfolds who knows, but I’m betting on some renewal and a little light toward that internalized peace I’m hoping to locate or maybe just relocate.

My other “hmmmmm” lands me here, on a web estate. I realized in all my hair loss and recovery, I needed not only some renewal but an outlet. Maybe it’s an outlet to be a bitchy banshee, or to exercise my voice, or to just exercise something other than my acid indigestion and thus the automatic arm reach for that bottle of Rolaids. I had this web estate lying around in my online closet and thought: what the hell. It’s definitely an outlet. Whether it’s a mall or a plug, I’ll let others decide. Here I am then, talking and primarily arting, about renewal. Renewal means connection. It means re-membering and remembering. Funny how that starts in the darkness.

In the meantime, it is raining, my stomach is acidy, my furry dog is warming my lap and I feel tired. Maybe I will eat and take a nap. I probably will find some hysteria in my own boredom - and hopefully a Rolaid. After all, these stories in my head are all talking at once. Why can’t they just speak one at a time?

I decided to take a renewal. Here I am exfoliating.